One of the things I have always wanted is to be a Mom. Naturally, it had been ingrained in my brain since I was a child that women are supposed to get married, have babies and be full time selfless caretakers. Even without that, the pull to have a baby was so big some days I would fell overtaken by sadness that I wasn’t a Mom already. When I hit 30, I began to get nervous that I may have missed the window to have a baby (I know how silly that sounds but I really did) and began to panic. Although the timing wasn’t perfect due to a lot of things, I could not have been more elated to find out I was pregnant in the Summer of 2016.

The crazy thing is when you are pregnant there are SO MANY promises. Of help with child care, playdates, postpartum support, images of what the holidays will look like and so forth. I was so bundled with attention during my pregnancy that I felt overly confident going into actually having the baby. Once my son was born, it was like everyone scattered away like wild mice. It was a lot of crickets aside from people asking for baby pictures.

While it was still a joyful time, it was also very lonely. Being no contact with my Mother and having nonexistent in laws meant I didn’t have very many people to reach out for advice. There was no one to show me the ropes or call in a panic if I just didn’t know how to do something. I didn’t have anyone I could call to relieve me for a few hours so I could shower, sleep and feed myself.

Combine that with unhealed trauma resurfacing and I felt so depressed. Then I would get mad at myself for being depressed because hello look at that beautiful baby boy in front of you? How dare you feel anything but love and gratitude. This was also combined with going through a very rough financial time where we often had roughly $20 to stretch to buy groceries for ourselves for the week, sometimes two. I had a lot of feelings of not being deserving of my son for being sad and stressed.

Things got easier for a while once he became a toddler and I started to leave the house a little more to at least go to the park or to a birthday party on the weekends. A lot of the time my main social interaction with others was either a birthday party or going into Costco, I’m not kidding. I seriously believe that stopped my own development in its tracks during that time.

I dove deeper into Motherhood culture. Only wearing graphic tee shirts and hoodies that referenced being a mother and attempted to make it my entire personality. There were days I went without doing the basic self care of just washing my face and putting on moisturizer. Sometimes I didn’t eat until my sons other parent came home. Somedays all I did was change diapers and keep the same area in my living room on repeat.

But that’s how it’s supposed to be right? Completely losing yourself in the role of being a Mother? Being completely selfless?

Yeah, no.

The best thing I ever did for my son was begin to prioritize myself and my own happiness more. Because let me let yoy on in on a little secret, your child is not responsible for your happiness.

Gasp.

I know, I know. It surprised me too.

Filling my own cup (of not just coffee but water too), finding my own interests and beginning to earn my own income again was one of the best things I have ever done for myself and my son. I am a better mother for it.

While this may seem like a big ‘duh’ to a lot of people the realization hit me like a cooler full of ice water standing in the desert. Absolutely rocked my entire sense of being. That is just not how I was raised. Going against the grain of that felt awkward, uncomfortable and scary. Like most things the more I stepped out a little more into the unknown the more comfortable I felt. Slowly, I started to feel like myself again.

My son now is elementary school and was diagnosed with ADHD last year. Looking at the world through his perspective has been the biggest attest in learning how to help him better.

My goal with sharing my stories of motherhood is break down the barriers of feeling like you are not allowed to still be a person once you are a mother and it’s OKAY to feel frazzled. You deserve to still have your interests, take your girls trips and move on from anything not serving you. Your child will thank you for it.

Now does anyone want to come over for coffee and a sensory box?