Struggling to find my voice and adjusting to the cooler Washington weather.
Struggling to find your voice? How is that possible? Just be yourself, duh!
Ah, sit down with me and let me explain.
How can you be find yourself when you have never been safe to be yourself? How can you find your voice when every time you speak it feels as though the world speaks over you or constantly tells you how awkward you are?
Yes, really. I normally retreat back into my hermit hole of safety quick. I would typically have more conversations in my head that actually out loud with other people. If I did end up in a social situation, I would practice what I was going to say in my head four or five times before actually saying it with my heart pounding the entire time. Then if it wasn’t well received? Ope, back inside the whole we go to replay that over at least a hundred or so times before falling asleep.
I wish I was kidding.
The psychological warfare was incredibly taxing and made it much easier to make me a prime candidate for being easy to isolate. I often had a rating scale for myself after each social event and on the rare occasions I didn’t, there was always someone ready and waiting to give me my rating.
Literally, almost immediately after an event, ‘Hey good job you were only half awkward this time’ or right before, ‘Okay, try to not be too awkward or laugh too loud this time. I’m just looking out for you.’
I still think back and feel the air leaving my lungs like I’m back in that moment.
Going from that to attempting to have any sort of online presence was incredibly challenged. I constantly struggled with thinking of ideas or having opinions and then going through a list;
-‘Is this going to upset anyone?’
-‘Am I being too much?’
-‘Is this cringe?’
-‘Will person A, B, C or D not like this? It might make them think of me differently or maybe they’ll be embarrassed to know me.’
-‘Wait, I think I saw someone else do something just an itsy bitsy similar. I can’t post this then. I’ll be copying them’.
-‘Do I look or sound stupid? I better just not post.’
And this is the short list I’d typically go through. While consulting people both professionally and unprofessionally on how to maximize their social media accounts to bring in another source of income or to draw more traffic to their current business, I would almost always say, ‘Don’t overthink it. Just post! You’ll get more comfortable as time goes on!’ But taking that advice? Nah, bro not me. I need to overthink every post for two to three business days and then just slap something ‘safe’ up.
I realize now that playing it so safe kept me from building any sort of community around my authentic self. Sure, I was offering up a cup of coffee but I was adding a drop of coffee to the cup and then adding a bunch of water to it so it would be consumable for everyone rather than making sure it was drinkable for myself first.
Ouch.
Over the Summer, for reasons I will be discussing in future posts, I delete almost all of my socials. Some I just removed the apps from my phone but the bulk majority were deactivated at a moments notice. I found myself still clicking onto where the apps use to be on my phone and then remembering that, ‘Oh yeah, I nuked those’. One account in particular I had for nearly four years.
While I missed some of the people I interacted with, it was a welcome break to focus that energy towards my own growth and development. I accredit a great deal of this development to my mentor whom instantly gave me a full of list to accomplish in the small amount of time and held my hand through the scarier parts.
The detox also now helps immensely with my doom scrolling time. I give myself a limited amount of time each day and then move on top crossing other things off my lengthy list. I use to have the desire to not miss anything, but now I’m actually content not knowing everything.
When I made the decision to slowly dip my toes back into the deep dark abyss of social media, I made a promise to myself that I have to get over the fact that people may not like the full strength edition of myself or even more terrifying embodying that edition of myself may end up attracting new eyes on me.
Truthfully, there’s still a small portion of myself I’m having to hold back but every day I’m inching closer to be able to share that as well. In due time, I keep reminding myself.
While it’s scary to shed who you previously were and stand up as your authentic self, it’s more terrifying to have one foot in the grave never truly being yourself. While there may also be the desire to fall into the norm of having a perfectly curated existence, that’s just not me. I’d rather be the hot mess express I know I am.
On the edge of other things, we are rapidly adjusting from Summer to Fall Winter over here. Normally, we have a relatively warm September but this year the window A/Cs have already been taking out of the garage (because only a few have central around here) and the sweaters have been pulled out of closet. It’s SO strange how I was just wearing pajama shorts and now last night I was digging my fluffiest pair of pajama pants.
That said, I’m here for it. Bring on the slow cooking recipes, pumpkin everything and the dark days of Washington. I need to hibernate for a few months with my books and tarot decks anyways. I’m already looking for new heated blankets and Gluten Free PCOS friendly Pumpkin Protein bars.
What is your favorite Fall tradition?